Travel & reflection by Lau Yong Yan

Last December, I spent 21 days in Taiwan on a youth study tour called “2022 Overseas Youth Taiwan Study Tour”.

This tour was for students aged 15 to 25 to provide them with the opportunity to visit universities in Taiwan and explore the island. There were more than 100 participating students from different parts of Malaysia, along with countries such as Argentina, Japan and Singapore. We were divided into five groups. Since the members of my group were of different ages and backgrounds, I was given the chance to meet and interact with all kinds of people.

While the main aim of the tour was to introduce us students to learn about the Taiwanese society through university visits and cultural exploration, what truly resonated with me were the friendships formed, memories created and the valuable lessons I had gained, which I would be sharing here in this simple reflection writing:

1. Independence

My parents are the protectors and providers in my life. Whenever I face hurdles in my life, I would turn to my parents for safety, guidance and help.. However, this also meant I end up depending on them for a lot of things, including everyday tasks such as doing laundry and time management, instead of taking responsibility and managing my own life.

So, when I realised I was so far from home for the very first time in my life, I found myself struggling to manage my emotions without my parents by my side. It was also hard for me to seek support from others because I was afraid of expressing my emotions to people I do not know. I started to feel overwhelmed and was desperate to go home.

Looking at people around me finding new friends and being part of the group, I feel like an outcast. I used to ignore this in my life because as soon as I got home, all the feelings of being alone were forgotten the moment I felt my parents’ presence. Thinking back, it was hilarious to see myself being on the verge of tears while eating lunch on the 7th day of the trip. I was hiding all my emotions and keeping everything to myself when I could have taken the initiative sooner to engage, get to know, and try fitting in with my group mates just like everybody else.

2. Socially stepping out of my comfort zone

Since the age range of the tour participants is 15 to 25, most of the people I met during the trip were much older than me. While I did find getting to know people from different backgrounds and places fun, the age differences also meant that I had to step out of my comfort zone and learn to see things from various perspectives in order to be part of the group.

As an introvert who struggles with opening up about my feelings to even friends, it was very daunting for me to participate in my group sharing sessions at first. Being open is difficult for me, as I need a lot of time to feel comfortable enough to share my own thoughts or just be myself. The thought of sharing about myself to people makes me feel exposed and emotionally vulnerable. However, when I took the courage to participate and share what I truly felt along with everyone else,I could see our group gradually grew closer, almost like a family, after each sharing session. From this, I realised that being open and sharing our inner feelings and thoughts is like an invitation to others. When we talk more about ourselves, we encourage people to come in and speak to us, and in turn, the listener also shares more about themselves to us.

This changed the way I see life and people. Even after coming back to Penang, I continue to try out new things, join activities, and meet more people. My relationship with friends have also improved as I started becoming more comfortable with being myself and worrying less about what others think of me.

3. Learning to make decisions

The night markets in Taiwan are renowned for its wide variety of delectable street foods, and we get the chance to explore a different market and try out their local delights every few days. Yet, despite the anticipation, my experiences often end with regrets. During my times at the night market, I found myself debating internally whether to choose a popular stall or try out something that caught my attention, and basically over analysed each option to avoid making mistakes. But in my pursuit for the best choice, I realised I gained nothing and instead overlooked the essence of the night market experience–the laughter, joy of discovery with friends and memories of that place.

It took me some time to eventually realise that I was behaving out of my own lack of confidence, as well as my reluctance to make decisions on my own. I rely heavily on other peoples’ opinions and approval, prioritising their decisions over my own. I do this out of fear of regretting over small decisions, especially when things might end up not meeting my expectations. Following the crowd gives me a sense of security, and I convince myself that making choices popularly made by others will never be wrong. Even if I do make a mistake, I believe that the outcome will still be better than if I had made the decision on my own–and it is always easier to let others choose (and put the blame on them when things do not go well) than to make independent decisions and own up for bad choices. Another thing I realised about myself after the trip was my tendency to compare myself to others. Looking back, the choices that I had made back then were not as bad as I had initially thought; I was too fixated on the things and experiences others have chosen, thinking that theirs were better than mine.

4. Living in the moment

One small regret I had from this trip was that I did not fully enjoy every moment of it. At the beginning of the trip, I felt homesick and distant with my group members, often feeling like an outcast. Spending time with them did not make me feel like myself. Even though I had fun, my mind kept counting down the days until the end of the trip. It was not until Christmas eve, one week before our departure, that I was reminded of how little time I still have left.

By then, I had spent two weeks with them. Having bonded and grown attached to my newfound friends during that period, and knowing that it will be very improbable to meet again or go on another trip after this–I started regretting all the moments I used to think about going home or complaining about being with them instead of appreciating the time spent together.

I don’t want regrets and worries to steal the joy from my experiences anymore. Living in the present moment is important, and it should be embraced and cherished. Each one of us should stop complaining about what we have, and take some time to look around and appreciate all the incredible things we have right now.

5. Stop expecting from others

Having gone through all the points above, this is probably the most important and overarching takeaway that I have realised throughout the whole trip.

Looking back, after having taken the courage to go as far as participating in an oversea study tour all by myself–it felt really silly to still be wanting to wait on others to meet my expectations or make choices for myself when I could have taken initiative and be responsible for my own decisions. Rather than creating those experiences by my own hands–I spent most of the trip being preoccupied by my ideals of what things could have been, and being disappointed over them when they were not as what I had expected.

From this trip, I have learned that I should stop expecting others to understand what I am thinking. I should take the effort to first understand what I feel and want, and act on them accordingly. Even though it is not easy, I must learn how to be more honest–about myself, what I feel, and what I want–and articulate all of these to the people around me so that I can be heard, accepted, and have my needs met.

Conclusion

Unlike my normal everyday life, I did not have to worry or stress over responsibilities and deadlines throughout the duration of my Taiwan trip; I only had to live in those moments and enjoy everything. This gave me the space to not only explore new things, meet new people and experience things I had never done before, but also to learn more about myself.

The trip has given me a glimpse into adulthood–of how things would be like when I am stepping out of my comfort zone, onto the path of living life on my own. These huge changes were not only overwhelming; they revealed a lot of internal issues within me that I realise I need to work on.

Having to go through the process of understanding and learning more about myself during this trip was no doubt a struggle. It is no easy feat to both face my issues head-on and embrace the real, imperfect version of myself that I had always felt uncomfortable to acknowledge–all on my own, with no help from my parents. It felt terrible at first, but once I managed to identify my problems and learn to accept them, I began to feel better about myself as I grew and moved on.

Life is never easy. As we grow older and begin taking our own individual paths, it is not unusual to find ourselves being on our own as we face personal issues. In fact, self-discovery is lifelong. While others can support us on our journey, we must remember that the responsibility for self-discovery and self-improvement will always be ours to carry. That again, is the biggest lesson I have gotten from my first solo trip overseas.